Day 1 (Testing the Waters)

I'm curious to delve into depression and figure out whether or not I truly have a clinical condition. I have lots of ups and downs, and the worst moments are when I can't sleep because I don't think it's worth it to wake up in the morning. But right now, I feel GREAT! I got into the Berlin class, I'm seeing my best friend tomorrow, eating delicious food on Thanksgiving and this weekend, and I have two free trips next year! I'm SO lucky! But always in the back of my mind is my weight, looks, and feeling of inadequacy. What did I ever do to deserve all these riches and fortunes? Why can't I ever simply enjoy myself wholly and without any inhibitions? I think my latest bout was after reading Mockingjay, because Katniss's psychological condition rang so true for me and seemed to reflect my future. I'm not hopeful that I'll ever be married or have kids, and if I do, I want to make sure it's what I really want. The world is so messed up that my kids will constantly be cleaning up messes. Who wants to give birth in a world like this? But there's always something wrong with every era, and I guess technology and innovations are better than the Dark Ages. Yet, I don't want books to disappear and my kids to be using iPads in kindergarten. I don't want Congress to be corrupt, wars and protests to be rampant, Wall Street protesters angry at something that they do nothing to actually change. Why are humans so able to bring advancement and dependence on machines but not improve their own condition? It's amazing how many times I've thought about Atlas Shrugged since I read it in August. I want to be Dagny, the strong, intelligent woman desired by three men as the only love of their lives, and she gets roughed up but is unfazed. To even try to make a movie out of Atlas Shrugged is a huge mistake, because no actor cast could adequately fill Dagny, Francisco, Hank, or John's roles. Why try? So you can get 10% on Rotten Tomatoes? Ugh. I so desperately want to fix so many things wrong in the world but I feel so inadequate that I give up in despair, knowing my life will amount to nothing. I try to accept nihilism, but it simply isn't for me. I will always be agnostic because it can't be simple coincidence that men inhabited the Earth just when dinosaurs were going extinct and thus took over everything. But there's no way the Earth is as young as the Bible, Qaran, and other major religious texts say it is. Why ignore science?! As soon as you justify your control over the Earth you destroy it by not caring about polluting it and chopping down all its natural resources. How can we live with ourselves? We don't even eat natural food anymore. Everything is chemicalized to produce more and earn more money. Who cares about money? It just funds the rich even more in all channels and leaves none for us to enjoy for ourselves. I just want to travel, never settle down, and always carry a camera. Interview everybody and nobody, and figure out how we're all the same, no matter what tongue we speak, skin color we have, or mode of dress we don. Is that too hard to ask? : )