Post 3: Contemplations on Pre-Hell Week

Upon watching the trailer for Miss Representation, I remembered all the hopes and ambitions I had had up until middle school, when gaining weight and not being the smartest in my class taught me that life wasn't necessarily going to go my way. As soon as I started liking boys but not being as skinny as the rest of my friends, it was all over. The insecurities grew, as did my acne, boobs, and waistline. I'm proud of being tall and athletic, but my body doesn't show it. I have pain almost daily and I have horrible posture (although it is much improved ever since I've gone to Vivian). What happened to the bold, empowered me who wasn't afraid to be pushy to get what she wanted when she was little? Yes there were some aspects of my character that horrified me as a child, like laughing when other kids got hurt, but I was still a sweet, nice girl. However, I did have depression very early on, and I am still afraid I am going to die in my sleep without ever really having lived. I've done all these great things in my life, but I still feel like there's a hole missing. Like some key element to who I am is out there and I just have to find it somehow. A large part of me thinks the missing link is finding love, whether with a boy or a girl (I still haven't decided yet). However I know that before I can love someone else I have to love myself, but I'm afraid of dying before either of those things happen. How much of what I hate about myself is a media construct and how much is truly me and the malfunctioning of my brain. I so desperately want to either live in an atmosphere like Supercamp or just be happy with who I am. But as soon as I see a couple or a skinny, pretty girl, I feel empty and self-conscious, like no one really wants me when there's better options constantly walking by. I keep fantasizing about the ideal situation for me right now,  in which my crush crawls into bed next to me every night and spoons and then leaves the next morning without either of us saying a word. It'd be a silent agreement in which he could hook up with whoever he wants on the weekends and wouldn't have to be seen with me in public, but we'd have constant companionship at night, when the loneliness is most profound. It's also hard to imagine what it would be like to lie in bed with someone and not be able to talk late into the night because I wear hearing aids and take them out. I'd know it's true love if he talked louder and whispered in my ear sweet things I could actually hear. In my fantasy I always imagine myself ignoring my crush during the day, and having him fall more and more for me as we spend more nights together, so that eventually we start texting and calling each other over break, and then we start a real relationship, with hand-holding, PDA, and all the fringe benefits. Wishful thinking? I just hate how hard relationships are. I want the love without the work, without the trust. Maybe someday my mind will be changed and some guy will want me badly enough to penetrate my shell. But for now, I don't believe I'm pretty enough, skinny enough, or interesting enough to be wanted. And I always fall for the unattainable, hot, older, popular guys, instead of settling for the uglier people (I know beauty is more than skin-deep, but I'm pretty shallow). Something about odd years just make me miserable, which is probably why I can't wait to see what 2012 brings. I keep expecting sudden, wonderful changes to occur, but they never do. Life goes on and I'm still the same old me. Just with more movies, more pomegranates, more fun times, more tears, and more insecurity about my body. Will I throw up the first time I go back to Catz? I bet I will, considering how long it's been since I've worked out. Thank God my body rejects most disgusting food I give it, or I'd be over 200 pounds right now (even if I am pretty darn close). Just breathe easy, study Greek, and onward to work at the Grill tomorrow. Whooo....